We, the Australian people, are YOUR employers. I repeat, WE employ YOU and you have been caught with your pants down with regards living it up at our expense. As most of you clearly can not be trusted to act responsibly with our money, we are setting new rules.
With the start of the new parliament, these rules come into effect immediately.
There are NO entitlements, only legitimate modest expense claims. All expenditure must pass the pub test. The pub used to model the test is located a five-hour drive from the black-stump and is affectionately known as “Stumpy’s Palace” as opposed to an inner city or Eastern Suburbs pubs.
GENERAL RULES:
Travel
You may travel and charge that to tax payers using these methods of transport only.
Bus,
Train (not first class),
Self-drive rent a car nothing above the level of basic,
Boat (preferably row yourself).
Plane. If you fly, it must be via low-cost airlines. You MUST NOT turn left when boarding the plane. Electric fences are being installed on all aircraft just in case you try it. If you decide to fly yourself, you pay out of your already generous salary. Charter planes are strictly forbidden.
NOTE: Bonus points will be awarded for compliant behavior and can cash your points in for lunch packs on your next flight.
Entertainment.
Attending sporting functions is permissible, as that’s an Aussie thing to do. But, they must NOT be outside of your electoral boundary. Pies and beers at half-time are NOT deemed legitimate expenses and therefore must be paid for by you. All other forms of entertainment events are BANNED. This particularly applies to those requiring the wearing of hats, sequined dresses or tuxedos. You simply can’t have government for the people by the people when the people’s representatives are living it up at the Polo or the Opera House and the people who pay your wages are at home watching TV because they can no longer afford to go out.
Accommodation
Can NOT be claimed if you have access to a hire car. Hundreds of Australians lack housing and resort to sleeping in their cars each night because of financial constraints and it will be an enlightening experience for you to empathise with their experience. Character building, in fact, And multi-purpose is the order of the day.
If tax payer funded accommodation is required (as an example for you to attend parliamentary sittings), tents are available for this purpose on a share basis. Minimum three per tent. Strictly no gender mixing. The last thing we need is another scandal. Space has been made available on the Parliament House lawn. BBQs are also available. Bathroom facilities are available in Parliament House. Sleeping in your Parliamentary Office is strictly forbidden.
When travelling overseas or to other parts of Australia that requires you to secure accommodation (and if Aunty Betty’s house is full), lightweight travel tents are available from the Parliament House stationery cupboard. Note, these must be signed for and a fully refundable deposit is required. Tent space is available at all OS Australian & friendly embassies. Locally, the Police Station carpark is the preferred option. That will save the police being called out when angry locals protest on hearing you are in town.
Meal vouchers are also available when you collect your tent.
These rules are to be implemented immediately. Any MP or Senator found to be in breach of these new guidelines will be paraded through their local streets naked, whilst your constituents (led by the local homeless and Pensioners Association) lob tomatoes and various other weapons of choice at you. From there you will be taken to the local stocks for a further 24 hours or until you beg forgiveness and promise not to be naughty boys or girls again.
Signed: The Long Suffering Australian Public
